Je stresse...

Bon ben j'ai aucune nouvelle de la Su1sse, que pasa? Pourtant, le monsieur revenait de vacances hier!!! Bon là, j'ai pas trop le temps mais je vais refaire un email pour savoir et j'accompagnerai le tout d'un message téléphonique. C'est peut-être juste parce qu'ils sont su1sses après tout et donc pas très rapides. Nan parce que mon plan machiavélique ne fonctionne que sur la base que ça ne dure pas longtemps : j'ai pas envie de me retrouver dans le piège de la corporation étatsunienne! Bien qu'en Su1sse, ce soit aussi une boite US mais bon! Ainsi donc,je leur dis avant de vous envoyer toute la paperasse, j'aimerais avoir les détails "rel0cation" et là, plus rien! Oh, ça met en confiance, il n'y a pas à dire... d'autant qu'on est presque à Jour J - 2 mois tout rond, aaaaargh!

Pas pratique, ça! Il doit faire 14 aujourd'hui... on va battre des records! Mais pour le moment, il fait juste 1.... Alors est-ce que je change de manteau ou pas? Je sais jamais comment faire à cette période là parce qu'en plus j'ai pas envie d'attraper la crève.

Oh et puis, d'ailleurs, à ce rythme là, je crois que je vais tomber malade à ce rythme là! Parce que là, je ne dors plus... Plus du tout. Enfin presque, hein, quand même. Mais là je me sens pas bien du tout... Bon l'incertitude ne doit en rien améliorer mes affaires, j'en conviens. Je dois dire que d'ailleurs, je n'ai aucune envie de me taper les jérémiades/manigances du mécan0 jeunot.

Attendez, je réfléchis et j'ai l'impression de pas avoir été vraiment malade cette année? Ah si merde! Pendant mes vacances de Nowel, les 2 premiers jours, rhaaaaaaaaaa! Donc que je n'ai pas été malade depuis, j'attends juste le "long" week-end (3 jours, c'est pas les gros chars quand même) de Pâques pour ça peut-être?

Oh et puis j'ai désormais un (ou une hein mais j'utilise un de façon générale) abonné germain à "sa" saga. Ça m'étonnerait que ce soit le mien. Il est pas si maso, à mon avis! Il a déjà lu le tout une fois, selon moi, il a tout effacé et oublié aussi sec. Il a été suffisament clair, en actes plus qu'en paroles! Et puis il va être déçu, parce que là je vois pas trop ce que je peux y rajouter, il y a des limites quand même...

Dernière minute, là, je n'y comprends plus rien, on assiste à la multiplication des germains faut croire. Qui est qui?

Une véritable invasion! Bon en fait, il y a eu quelques autres connexions entretemps, ouf! Mais ça a l'air plus "spectaculaire" comma ça, non? Et puis j'ai barré 2 villes qui ne sont pas A*** et qui ne sont pas exactement justement à coté. Pas loin, mais pas pile poil au même endroit quoi. Mais bon, même quand je savais qui s'était, c'était pas indiqué comme A*** alors pour ce que ça veut dire, hein!

AH ben v'la aut' chose : à la Régie de l'assurance-maladie, si tu refuses de te faire servir par un homme ou une femme pour motifs religieux, on te change d'interlocuteur illico! Bravo, vive la discrimination célébrée!

Commentaires 4ème partie - dernière même :-(

Alors voila la toute fin, le 15 mars 2008, presque 2 ans jours pour jour, le début d'une longue période de "deuil" pour moi, argh!

Je me suis un peu emballée pour ma réponse!

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Bon (il se fout de ma gueule là quand même?) samedi presso,

So I hope you are prepared (connard!) for my next comments.
At least two times you asked implicitely (plus explicitement que dire "when will be the next time?", tu meurs!), when we'll see next time. The answer  is: I don't know (on se mouille, c'est fou!). Well I guess that's not what you wanted to hear. But at the moment I'm not planning to come to Mtl (and I'm sure this you didn't want to hear).  And as I told you already in my "Paris email" (if I remember right), this distance "thing" doesn't work too well for me (ah oui parce que depuis le début, ça a beaucoup changé ce facteur là).

I wanted to write this earlier (ça m'aurait paru judicieux en effet!), but I didn't know when would be best and how (tu veux que je te fasse un dessin aussi peut-être?) and I was also a bit mentally occupied as well by Den Haag (oh pauvre petit chou!) (le chat est sorti du sac ensuite : il avait encore besoin de moi pour le français! Il s'est trahi dans un de nos appels subséquents!). I hope you were a little bit prepared for something like that by my previous emails (c'est une fucking joke?).

Tschüß,
Michael

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"Bon" (vous notez l'ironie?) samedi to you as well,

First i don't think i asked implicitely, but rather explicitely at least once (ok là, je suis fâchée!)! for example in my email from thursday i think. And then you completely ignored it this talking about i don't know know what, makes me feel so great! That'S what i wanted to say answering back to your email but i was on my high, i thought let'S wait what the next comments will be! ANd i really can't believe you thought at one point finishing your comments after the last one (ouais parce qu'après le numéro 3, il estimait que les "commentaires" étaient suffisants!!!) with everything still fuzzy! And the implicit question was more "i'd like to see you again, and you???", pretty simple!

And yeah while we're at it, what i'd like to really know is if your "i don't know" is a way to say "i don't know but i'd like to at some point even if i have no idea when and how" or "i say i don't know because i don't want to bother and say anything by lack of (courage?) or for any other reason but will never happen in fact" (on sait maintenant sans doute de quel coté ça allait!), and this i'd like to point is not in my definition of a brochet super (un toller Hecht = un mec bien en gros, c'est bien germain de choisir un brochet comme icone du "bien", et il s'en vantait quelques jours avant!)! I'd be really interested to know if  you'd have tell me this last week on skype? You knwo might have been messy, i'd probably have cried a bit, or hang up or tell you things you don't want necessarily to hear et oui un mauvais moment à passer(en français dans le texte! ! That's what i called a conclusion or a trend!!!

And you know what bothers me? I have the impression you're not straight with me because i don't know? you're afraid to lose your french conversationist (so that there'S no confusion about my definition of french)(genre qu'il confonde avec une pipe!) ???? this as well feels sooooo nice! (surtout qu'en plus j'avais raison!)

I clearly understand how your den haag thing and what going on at E*** (sa boite) (celle de la frangine aussi) can bother you, i'm very well placed to know how you can feel in this kind of situation! (mais moi je lui aurais jamais qu'il ne retrouverait pas de boulot en un mois... surtout quand mon interlocuteur est au bord des larmes!)

ANd yeah the distance thing not so great for me either, especially an ocean apart but it'S workable if the will is there. But i think it'S a very convenient excuse for you not to be more explicit and this i hate! And even this commenting process going on and on and on is very hard on me and your "blowing hot and cold" (i'll grant you the hot would rather be lukewarm like your previous email and the cold freezing like your yesterday first email in your case, but i hang onto whatever hope i have!) (gourde) as i told you in french yesterday doesn't help at all, if you think it helps to spare my feelings (connard couard!)! Because it prevents me from crying for good and then moving on to something else because this will probably take me some time, so the sooner the better. You know the bandage theory, rip it fast, it hurts but it fades sooner (i hope)? (on peut dire que ça a un peu été un problème en effet pendant presque 2 ans, argh!)

Believe it or not i didn't expect you to come to Mtl anytime soon (ben non, chus trop gourde pour ça), can't say i wouldn't love it if you would and i already told i think you had an open invite (mouais enfin plus maintenant) (enfin il a toujours une invit ouverte à vie à recevoir un coup de genou bien placé!). But you know i considered other possibilities as well than PAris etc. (j'allais faire jouer mes connexions pour l'usine d'ex-boite que j'aimais à 80 km de chez lui) (je lui ai demandé une autre fois ce qu'il aurait dit (à part scheisse!) si j'avais été dans le rayon de 100km qu'il exigeait? Of course, il a ignoré la question! Quoique au téléphone il s'était mis à bafouiller et à dire qu'on allait pas raisonner sur des hypothèses...) Won't tell you which since now they feel so useless (et qu'il en a jamais rien eu à foutre du tout).

So yeah now to make it easy for you i simply expect an answer to my 2nd paragraph in caes you wondered! Oh no something else as well! I'd really like to know why you insisted so much to get my email du samedi because you were bright enough to know more or less what it was about, no? By pure curiosity? To crush all my hopes without doing the messy work yourself? (bien sûr!) Why?????????

Bon je vais annuler mon rendez-vous de midi (rendez-vous épilation "totale", disons que dans le contexte ça me faisait pas trop envie!) (quoique ça aurait changé le mal de place!) (mais y arriver les yeux rouges et gonflés, moyen), not in the mood for this kind of session and go back to bed!

Ciao
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Après ça il ne m'a rien répondu jusqu'au lendemain soir (après emails de ma part + sms) en me disant qu'il savait pas quoi dire!!! Encore une fois, révélateur d'un grand courage!

Commentaires 3ème partie (avant derniers, ouf!)

Les avant-derniers commentaires (12 mars 2008) - du réchauffé en fait tellement c'était prévisible!

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Bon, comments partie numero trois, parce-que j'ai le temps aujourd'hui et je ne sais pas, si je vais avoir le temps demain, mais j'ecris en anglais, so be prepared (hopefully you won't get shocked or dissapointed) (Huh???) :

The thing is that I'm used to have a lot of time for myself and also time to think about things (le truc c'est pas qu'il pense!) (fortunately or unfortunately, don't know) (c'est-y de l'humour?). So basically my  "silence periods" occured cause I needed some (silent) (sous entendant que je suis bruyante?) time to think. The thing is that your visit was not too easy for me (poor me) (ben oui pauvre petit), since not seeing each other for months and then a few days together in a row 24h per day was tough for me (bis). But I want to point out that it has nothing to do with you personally (oh mais ça c'est censé être une bonne nouvelle peut-être?), it's just that I'm not used to spend my time with someone "around the clock" some days in a row (ah tiens, j'avais pas remarqué!).
When I was at Mtl, no problem, cause I had the morning and afternoon for myself and the evening (and night;-)) (ah donc on va m'accuser pour les morning sessions) with you, like this I could keep the suspense (yen a qui ont le suspense fastoche!) and the pleasure of seeing you again in the evening.
And I had the impression that you really enjoyed spending all complete days together with me in Aachen (j'en déduis que j'étais censée faire la gueule moi aussi?), so I didn't dare to tell you, cause I didn't know  how you would react and I wanted that you can enjoy your vacation (trop gentil) and don't  get disappointed (oh ben oui c'est tellement mieux de se sentir comme l'emmerdeuse de service que d'être déçue!).
The first days (enfin les 48 premières heures...) it was nice for me, then it got more and more difficult for me (pauvre ptit chou!).
Worst was the day we travelled to Paris, where I was thinking whether it wouldn't have been better to work those days (tiens donc et moi je pensais que c'était plus agréable de voyager moi toute seule qu'avec lui (parce que je lui avais filé le coté fenêtre)). But again, it's not due to you (ben non, c'est tout à fait rassurant pour moi ça) and I really (il exagère pas un peu avec son really?) enjoyed (je pense que je sais ce qu'il a préféré!) the days with you in Paris (ben voui moi je me suis tapée le trajet du parfait touriste juste pour lui quand même), I just needed some time for myself. The last days it got better again, seems I got used to it ;-) (je suis donc une habitude qui s'acquiert?) (ou alors c'est qu'à la fin la délivrance se rapprochait).

And, was this what you had in mind, could've caused my "silence periods"?? (Bien sûr!)

Tschuess,
Ich

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Pffffff just got out of another boring phone cnference, just in time almost to see your comments #3 mail arrive!

Je dois dire que j'étais un peu inquiète avec ton "so be prepared (hopefully you won't get shocked or dissapointed)" but now i feel kind of relieved (mouais, gourde, ce n'était que partie remise en fait!)!

And yeah, pooooor you ;-) but you're very predictible ;-) since it's more or less exactly what i thought and i could really feel the "uneasiness" (tu parles!) the day we went to Paris, very very clearly even i'd say! Then i don't remember exactly what you said at some point during the evening at the rhumerie but it seemed like a pretty clear illustration of that, so i was a little bit defensive and then the fish comments you made at some point really really (really) annoyed me because of this tension, i don't think it would have had that effect in another context! And you made once or twice remarks about not being able to play guitar or go to the gym or whatever, this i resented a little also cause i would not have mind AT ALL to be left alone or even sent away for a while... (all is in the way it's said, of course if you had told me "Get the hell out!" might not have appreciated it ;-) ) and never nice to feel like a "boulet" (check the dictionnary i don't know how to say it in english??? or is it ball and chain??? not sure) or a waste of vacation days ;-) (ce ";-)" est vraiment hors propos, le gaspillage de jours de vacances m'est resté en travers de la gorge! et moi je devais dire quoi avec mes 3 petites semaines???)

It was weird for me as well the 24 hour round per day but the context was slightly different since i was not in my element, not in my city etc. but yeah can't say i'm so used to it either. But overall i really really liked spending time with you except in those moments (où d'avoir personne valait mieux qu'avoir quelqu'un en face ou à coté qui tire la gueule), so you see if you'd have said something (nicely of course ;-) ), you'd have spared us both ;-) (je m'exaspère avec tous ces ";-)" - mécanismes d'auto-défense, me voila!) Anyway this is a good learning for another time (?) (on s'avance, on s'avance!)!

Ciaoooooooooooooooo
Moi

Commentaires 2ème partie

Parce que, vous savez quoi?, en plus ça me fait du bien de commenter les commentaires ;-) Je me sens plus légère après!

Même si je me tape sur les nerfs a posteriori! Je suis beaucoup trop sympa (et trop gourde)!!!

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Bienvenue

........a mon deuxieme email avec mes commentAIREs (en majuscules c'est les corrections que je faisais à TOUT ce qu'il écrivait en français (avec des explications souvent) - vous imaginez pas le temps que ça me prenait!) au sujet dE ton samedi email.
Je vais ecrire en anglais, parce que j'auraI besoin trop de temps pour  l'ecrire en francais. Mais tu peux repondre en francais et si je ne vais pas  comprendre quelque chose, je vais demander lA traduction en anglais (il va demander à qui? À moi??? Parc que j'ai drôlement envie que n'importe qui soit au courant de tout ça!) (de toute façon j'ai toujours préféré lui écrire en anglais, ça allait plus vite, sinon fallait que je pense à comment dire les choses simplement et vous savez que pour moi c'est pas évident ;-) ).

Ok, some comments regarding my mail I sent some weeks ago regarding your  reasons for going to Paris and your reaction. Well, why I wrote this email,  you've read already, cause I explained it and I guess you've still stored this  email;-).
I was a little bit surprised by your reaction to that email, didn't expect you  take it so "cool". But I was relieved you didn't seem to be too disappointed by that mail.
The thing was that if I remember correctly with my bad memory, that you  started to talk about you Paris job after I left Mtl last September (ben non, pauvre crétin mégalomane, ça datait d'avant, je vais pas prendre une décision de ce genre après qu'on ait passé ensemble 10 jours, certes sympa mais 10 jours quand même) and I was  a little bit surprised, because you talked sooooooo much, but not that much about your Paris plans (j'avais pourtant raconté déjà mes trucs de total). So I had a little bit the impression (and also the fear) (je suis effrayante, c'est clair), that my Mtl visit had to a certain extent to do with your plans for  moving to Paris. And when we were in Paris in january you were quite obsessed by your Paris job (of course you had good reasons to be obsessed, cause it  would be an important step) (et que passer une entrevue, c'est stressant, bordel!) (c'est pas comme s'il avait l'expérience que j'ai en la matière), but since I wasn't sure to what extent I'd  influence your Paris decision (especially since you never asked me about my  opinion about this) (pauvre ptit chou!) (faudrait savoir, hein) I got a little more worried. So at some point I was thinking I should write something about this and sent you this email in january (or was it already february, don't remember). Another thing is also  that I have the impression, that after I wrote this email, it became quite quiet regarding your Paris job (non mais je te dis pas TOUT non plus!) (quand je le dis c'est que je pense que ça l'intéresse!) .

C'est tout! Je dois economiser D'autres commentAIREs pour les autres emails, quE je vais envoyer pendant cette semaine;-). (ah oui, parce que moi sur sur les charbons ardents alors oui, qu'est-ce qu'on se marre c'est vrai, connard!)

Tschüß,
Ich

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Très bien ton 1er paragraphe en français! (parce qu'en plus je suis encourageante, c'est désespérant!)

Commentaires sur tes commentaires, ok? ;-) Ça risque d'être long, attention ;-) (pas la peine d'en rajouter!)

"didn't expect you take it so "cool" " - hmmmmmm how did you want me to take it??? with cries and shouts?????????? And it took me a while to figure how i should answer, because at first i was not "cool" at all with it i must admit but then i thought about it and felt it needed to be said at some point, so no not really disapointed but almost (i repeat almost!) "pleasantly" surprised ;-)

Yeah and for september, purely question of timing because if i remember well the people called me soon before during or after you left, don't quite remember exactly but probably right after. But i had contact with them in june as well i think, but at that time i just started my new job i needed to see the possibilities but then in september i could see it would not suit me long term... But thanks for the comment about me talking soooooooooo much ;-) Doesn't mean that i told you everything yet, i must save a bit for other times! Although i think i might have mentionned that a vague project was to move to europe at some point, no? (mais bien sûr) (c'est juste qu'il écoute pas (ou alors il avait pas "peur" à l'époque donc rien à foutre)) Cause i had a job offer in june 2006, i might have started working in Lyon in August 2006 and never met you, so saaaaaad it would have been ;-)

So in january i was obsessed by the paris job??? Really??? I was stressed out this i give you! I,m always stressed before interviews whether i'm interested or not because i want to perform, i was the same when i was doing stage  acting. But obsessed??? ok maybe but as you say it's a major decision! So sorry i bothered you with my paris job obsession, it was not intentional ;-) (hmmmm là je plaisante ou quoi? Je vais pas m'excuser d'exister aussi!!!) and no i think you wrote in january since my email du samedi was from february 2nd (jour des crêpes)...

In some way i find funny you think i should ask you your opinion on whether i should go for Paris or not. At what title??? that's the problem with very fuzzy thing we have "together", no? Hard to define for me, and for you? I don't mind at all if you give me your opinion on the question (although i felt until now it was very negative... intentionally to discourage me or not???) (ah ça oui, vive les encouragements!), on the opposite i like that you kind of give a damn (depending why you do of course) (tout est là!) but i think i have to decide for myself until further notice, don't you think? For example, for you and den haag, i would not feel comfortable at this point if you'd ask me what should i do? I can give you my opinion in saying if i were you i'd do this or that, think about pros and cons but if i was to tell you stay in A***, and you'd go (or the opposite) what would it mean??? Ok the example might not be too good because for me whether you go or not doesn't change much things whether i'm in Paris or not, while my decision is changing a bit more or is it really? Maybe for you it is better to have me an ocean away rather than 3-4 hours by train, i don't know??? (of course, comme ça il peut faire le sale boulot en plusieurs emails) Ok but let's go for it, consider the question asked now : so what's your "objective" opinion on my paris decision? (là, à la suite de ça, mega douche froide quand il m'a répondu que je surestimais les choses, que c'était une opinion strictement à titre d'ami (avec des amis comme ça, hein, on va pas loin) qu'il voulait me donner, que je sautais trop vite aux conclusions) (si tu disais les choses clairement aussi, pas après 150 000 commentaires, on en serait pas là)

"I have the impression, that after I wrote this email, it became quite quiet regarding your Paris job" - again what do you mean? I didn't wait for your january email to not write back to the paris guy ;-) (et pas le rappeler non plus) (d'ailleurs je lui ai fait le même coup, l'été suivant!) But at this moment i'm asking myself a lot of questions about a lot of things (not only related to you ;-) if that comforts you, but about how i'd feel to leave my parents all alone for ex.) and i feel that if i make contact that will be it, i won't be able to change my mind (although i know i could)... and now that's been so long since i had to write to him i don't really know how to reinitiate ;-) because frankly i want to do it, now it's said!

Ok argh je pars du travail tard à cause de toi!
Une question : combien d'autres emails de commentaires tu prévois?

A+
Moi

Commentaires 1ère partie

Bon dimanche presso,

so how is it going with the snowstorm? Can you still see your car on the  street?

Ok, as promised yesterday (btw the skype connection was really good, maybe it  works better when we don't try to speak french;-)), I'll give you some  comments regarding your email. Don't really know how to start with. Maybe with  me in Mtl 2006 to your summer vacation to m Mtl visit last year. So I'll clarify the things regarding mixed-signals, hard2get etc. If something is  unclear to you, please ask for more clarification (bizarre car quand je l'ai fait par la suite, il me disait rien de plus clair)!

When I was in Mtl in 2006, it was very nice how you took time to take care of  me e.g. driving to Qbc city etc. and after we met a few times, I had the  impression that I was a nice change to your "usual" weekend program;-), but  there was nothing more than friendship. Also the last evening I was a little
bit surprised that you wanted to meet me again, because we said goodbye  already the day earlier as far as I remember, but you wanted to give me  presents for la frangine, so you had a good explanation. I was even more surprised,  when you asked me to go to your new apartment and I had the impression you  needed some "courage" to ask me this. Since you didn't have any futon at your apartment that time, it was pretty safe for me to go there with you;-). And  when there was this mess with the alarm system I was thinking, ok, you wanted  me to join due to possible problems with the alarm system.

When you came to Aachen for you summer vacation of course I wanted to take  care of you as well, in return how you took take of me when I was in Mtl. And  from my side it was only friendship and I thought from your side as well. But  on this monday with meilleure amie I noticed that there was more from your side  (maybe I should've noticed this earlier as well, don't know).  I noticed it by the way you looked at me (nan mais il est trop observateur bfc), when meilleure amie was proposing that I should visit you in Paris and you didn't say anything directly afterwards.
And since for me it was clearly only friendship, I didn't want to mess  anything up and decided not to go to Apollo with you and go home.
Regarding your Paris weekend, I was very very unsure if I should come or not,  cause I knew there was more from your side than from my side, that's why I send all those SMS, I just didn't know whether to go or not.

When then later came your invitation to Mtl, I was in the planning phase of my  vacation and the day earlier when you sent me the email, my friend told me he  couldn't get vacation at that time for going to Mallorca. So I was pretty  disappointed and also bored from the last months in Aachen, cause the first
months of 2007 were so exciting with Australia and Helsinki. So I decided to take the "risk" to visit you in Mtl and I thought "let's see what will happen  there". Worst case would be you kick me out and I'd have to take a hotel;-). The reason why it took me some days to approach you at your place, was that I
saw you more as a friend than as a "maitresse" ;-). But it got tougher and  tougher from evening to evening, because I saw how much you wanted it (nan mais le culot! Vexée comme un pou je suis à chaque fois que je lis ça!!! Comme ça, on pourrait croire que j'ai fait du rentre-dedans comme c'est pas possible alors que pas du tout!!! Sauf le matin même... et en version ultra soft!) and, well, at some point I wanted it as well ;-).

Wow, long email, maybe my record. If you have questions, need clarifications (pourquoi il demande 2 fois???) (le tout pour rien en définitive!), etc., then ask s'il te plait!

More comments to your samedi email are coming then the next days.

Tschüß,
Ich

 

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Ma réponse - je voulais rectifier 2-3 trucs!

 

Bon dimanche to you as well,

wow very long email indeed!!!

News from my car : still visible, but a lot of snow will have to be removed for me to get out! All i hope is that they won't start the desnowing tonight so i don't have to look for (or more precisely to dig for) another parking space cause it will be tough, will keep my fingers crossed! Still snowing a bit

Ok i need to rectify something about your last evening in Mtl, don't see more in it than it was, because it wasnt "planned" or anything, im not that conniving ;-) i had la frangine's gifts and then i was in a pretty euphoric mood (yeah alone i'd praobably have attracted a lot of weirdos because i was
smiling a lot by myself ;-) ) and very excited due to signing for my apartment, and then i celebrated a little with a friend, ended up a little light headed and yeah i wanted to check the alarme system thing before everyone would be in vacation at the contractor office to be able to go in my appartment during the vacations so i asked you as a friend and maybe needed courage cause it was not the most interesting to propose on your last evening! But as you could see, you helped a lot!

I think we had a drink after and it's only then i thought i'd miss you, i didn't really know on what level, as a friend for sure, as a nice change to my usual routine as well of course and euh dare i say it? "using" you (i mean just mentioning i was out with Michael, without implying anything else, was more than enough believe me ;-) ) a bit to get back at my ex who was harrassing me quite a bit not in a nice way after not really appreciating me dumping him a few weeks ago!

Yeah and i was depressed a bit the day after, hopefully i went to see this great cult movie (ze père nowel est unr ordure of course!) which changed my ideas a bit and then it was christmas and everything so i wasnt thinking too much and then life goes on (song from the beatles that gets on my nerves) so more or less passed to something else until summer vacation!
So yeah in A*** i think "it" was "triggered" by seeing you too much ;-) because it was not part of my initial plan (didn't really have a plan either). But i must admit i might have tried something (if you had not been so tall ;-) ) after the K*** evening, probably because you were a bit the savior of my
evening (la frangine wnated to go to bed at what 22h??? Very vacation-like ;-) ) and i think there was another day before Jul arrival where i thought whether i should say/do something but i wimped out a bit and yeah i was leaving in 2 days so.......

And meilleure amie arrived and it got a bit out of hands due to her well known subtlety ;-) Weird cause i don't remember specifically the visiting me in PAris moment and looking at you and not saying anything direct, but it was probably going on for the whole evening and you only noticed it at that point, cause Jul and i had a lot to drink, and not only when you were there ;-)

oh yeah and the sms after that, aaaaaaargh! take a decision pleaaaaase ;-) and as i told you i'd have no problem with a straight "no" except for the initial disapointment of course, this can happen but yes no maybe not sure i dont know no but yes yes but no what can i say other than "aaaaaaaaaargh!!!" ;-) I didn't even enjoy any of the numerous (too many even, i'm not sure what was in the air) proposed "distractions" in the south of france since the suspense was killing me ;-)

Yeah and in paris i got caught in a flow of stuff to do, people to see (except i remeber spending my saturday evening alone at my cousin's place, not the best, calculation error!) and thinking that it was not so bad you didn't come, not giving me the choice whether i should "take care" of you or see my family, would have been tough to choose ;-)

And then back to Mtl! Yeah i was very happy you came but very nervous as well! not knowing what to do of you ;-) (i had a few ideas but...) Not sure maybe i was over interpreting but it seemed to me you looked kind of surprised when i offered you my sooo nice futon as a bed but at this point i didn't see what else i could do ;-) (ok didn't think you'd be a bit too tall for it so maybe it was a horrific stare instead of a surprised one, should have know cause my boston friend is very tall as well and he slept on it quite a few times and complained) (didn't think about the bonus vibrations as well you were spoiled   ;-)) (and i didn't see the trucks and vibrations as an incentive for you to make a move, this i can guarantee, but i'll remember the trick ;-) )

Hmmmmm other than that for now no questions or clarifications needed for the rest at least at this moment, it's pretty clear ;-) i'll wait for the rest!

well that was pretty long as well and i'm not drunk or under drugs ;-)

Bon après-midi,
Moi

Email du samedi

Alors, le voici, le voila, tout en english, avec tout pleins de fautes de frappe. Bfc aimait bien quand je lui écrivais en état d'ébriété. Mais là, en me relisant, il y a des trucs que je trouve pas fastoche à décoder... Oh et puis je le trouve pas mal cet email en fait!

Après, il y a la réponse du crétin. Un bout du mail avait été coupé, il avait raté des trucs critiques. Mais bon, c'est moi ou la réponse n'est pas hyper révélatrice de la tendance finale? Ce qui m'énerve, c'est l'usage du ";-)" final...

Bref...

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Michael, Michael, Michael,

you can already admire the amplitude of my inspiration can't you ;-)
Just arriving from a taxi who took from a fries shop where we finished a very alcoolized evening which started pretty calmly by an orgy of "crepes" splashed by some very good cider brought by me. Of course we had one or 2 or 3 cocktails (quand on aime on compte pas) before as apetitif and then a few beers after, as a result i must admit i didn't walk too straight until i crashed on my futon where i'm currently
lying down with my laptop warming up my stomach, oh if i was only slightly tired (in my head) i think i could fall asleep like that pretty easily but through my alcohol haze i suspect that i might move and let my laptop drop on the floor, not so good so i think i'll aim at my bed at some point, probably more reasonnable.

The evening was nice, well more than nice probably if it wasn't for one or 2 things, and among those some stuff that made me think about you (not that i need such a specific reason to do so those days unfortunetly...) and drove me crazy a bit (or is it a lot?)... Are you ready? because i know how it starts but not how it'll end...

Ok so here it goes, well might be a bit confused when i was thinking about it earlier during dinner, the argumentation was flowing but now not so much... So 1st start with your email from a few days ago asbout my reasons for paris... Must say it took me by surprise, espcelially considering your relative "enthousiasm" at the idea, yeah i was even under shocke a bit or worse well won't go into all details but it took me a while to figure out how to answer because i don't see it the same way as your rational way, i don't number reasons, and i might do it for some very "dumb" reasons such as i could turn my crepe in the air like a pro so i'll go, dumb example but why not? and i could flip my crepes like a pro so be scared ;-) I don't see you as a rank in my decision but more as, let's see, a potential bonus and maybe somehow an incentive to jump the step because with or without you (let'S sing!) i'm really dumbly scared of doing it but strangely pushed towards it, not sure it's clear, let'S try with an exmaple, it's like i'm hypnotized by a snake......... i'm fascinated and want to see how it goes but at th same time i tnink but he wants to eat me, not good, you see my poiint? Ok now that i think about it i need to say the snake isn't you (i hope) in case you wondered ;-) in that case i think i would not hesitate as much because both options would not be too unbearable ;-)! but clearly paris ore equivalent i've considered for a long time, long before i knew you! But yeah i must say apart from that i clearly like you a lot, not the 1st time i write it yeah looking for another way to put it clearly, but your way of taking things from high or from a distance makes me refrain from all initiatives although i wouldnt mind taking one or 2 because i'm just too unsure?!?!?!?

So we move to knowing you, hmmmmmmm don't remember if i told you that my 1st impression of our 1st evening together was not that good, it's only a day or 2 after my opinion changed a bit, but i was probably a bit unfair considering the context. But usually it's people i don't really like at 1st that i end up going along the best, weeeeeird! Anyway at the time i was in a weird place and i must say spending time with you was like a bubble of fresh air away (were you called fresh air before???) from my own personal little drama, all without hidden intentions (ok not true maybe your last evening but i reasoned myself quite effectively...). So then i was a little down when you left but a few months after i got rid of a lot of dead wood, partrly thanks to you as fresh air, although i made quite a fw very dumb mistakes during that time to think of it! More or less until my summer vacation, hmmmm strange ;-) But 1st half of 2007 is not my proudest moment i have to admit... Tough to write i don't really see my keyboard, not enough
light and it's too far and too cold to turn on a new lamp!

Yeah well the summer... very destabilizing you are, you know? or no i would describe you as "opaque" which is probably more intriguing and attractive than a see thru person this i'll grant you... So yeah your famous hard2get routine, very annoying, i rather have one clear indication positive (yay!) or negative (i'd be dispointed clearly or even worse but at leats i'td be clear and i don't think i'd trun all psychopath in the fatal attraction style so dont worry... and the distance is also quite an advantage for you!) because you should hmmm how do you say this in english argh don't know how too complicated for you in french, well i don't know, give a hint even vague, because i had no clue (and still unclear( where you were standing and this blocks cxompletely all intiatives from my side (such as your first days in mtl, then again besides your decision to come didn't know exactly how to handle the situation, who knows maybe you just wanted to walk around drink and eat, taht's it ;-) although i had set myself a deadline after which i would have taken things into my hands if i can say so, and let's say it was pretty close! but i don't know how you'd have reacted to that??? i didnt want to traumatize you ;-) ), conveneint! I don't know if it it's typical from you, from germans, from 30 something men, all 3, none of it??? Yeah and you really made me crazy with the texts in PAris!!! Aaaaargh not new but obviously youyou master the hard2get and mixed signals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the you force me indirectly into telling you things i'd probably not say in a more clear setting, this i don't like too much, much rather be on the other side of the fence (like i usually am i must say) Yeah and on the same area your answer to my reply to your parsi reason email, very frustrating : ok fine you're not 1 or 2, case closed??? More than 60 km, better luck next time??? Maybe it'S written in german because i don't really understand the conclusion if there's one??? pfff without transition i think about barcelona, mymind is so logical ;-) but we talked a lot about it this evening might explian it... but to go back to my main subject would be nice to go there with you!!!  Love that city and i want at least the sea and the sun ;-)

Anyway i'll stop with the existential quetsions... i think i should go sleep a bit because writing all this doesn,t really help me think about something else, does it? Or i could cite some parts of "Blauen Augen" although i don't see your etes as plain blue? well all that because i love the way you stay calm and relac in all circumstances up until now at least,  even the way you are all structured in things you do, like cooking or closing your rolladen ;-) but sometimes you can be surprising a bit!!! how you take your time for certain things, and other stuff as well such as kissing me (but only after cheking there's nothing good
on tv ;-) to the point i didn't dare a thing so not to disturb in watch whatever show just to pass time since i didn't really understand most of the s action...) and the rest, nice, including morning sessions, toooooo nice (althougfh a shame to miss the rare sunrays sometimes couldn't they wait???) aaaaaah not even one month since i left and i miss those a lot... Next time (???) will have to bypass those, withdrawal is too tough after that without knowing when will be the next!!!!!!!!! Bon not sure it's the best thing to think about to make me fall asleep in my cold bed... will be a shock after using my laptop to warm me! Of course not sur ei'll reach my bed without crashing down first on the way, so wish me luck cause my head is spinning a bit... maybe i should concentrate on things i don't like... aside you being at times very annoying, so many examples yough to choose one ;-) euhhhhhhhh oh yeah when you turn into the mute mode (not that you say much about yourself when mute mode is off), or way worse you not eating exotic food??? BAd, very baaaaad ;-) especially for you, you don't realize what your missing But overall i must say to think about it i'm sure i would miss dearly receiving regular emails from you even if you dont eat nor try fish :-p .........

Bon alors je m'arrête là même si je suis pas certaine i should send all this, what do you think??? I'll go brush my teeth (oh yeah reminds me i never ever noticed your hole) and decide... In the mean time, despute the distance and my sake, i'd like to, how shoud i say, virtually ok can't say it too cheesy ;-) Bon dimanche d'avance unless you're already up???, possible sinc e it'S 4h here

Hmmmmmmmmm might remain unsigned, or high risk that my signature might be very cheesy... ok will play it safe :
Moiiiiiiiiiiii ;-)

 

------------------------

 

Eieieieieieieieieieieiei!
No, I'm not disappointed or shocked or surprised by what's written in your  email.
Funny how much you can write when your drunk, I never switched on my laptop  when coming home drunk, maybe I send an SMS once in a while. I'm really not  surprised, by the things your're writing. I won't comment anything (unless you  want me to), at least not right know, maybe on the weekend.

But would be interesting to know, how you come from Paris to Rolladen;-):

PAris!!!Aaaaargh not new but obviously you
- Afficher le texte des messages précédents -
rolladen ;-) but sometimes you can be surprising

You could've sent this email earlier without all the discussions about it;-),
I don't have a problem with anything you write.


Tschüß,
Michael

 

 

Les temps changent

On dirait bien, en effet!

Non parce que là j'ai vu une photo sur blogitexpress avec une légende en allemand...

Et une adresse email!

Mais à la base c'est plus l'image qui m'intriguait...

Bref, l'adresse me disait aussi quelque chose... Et là je me suis dit "oh mais ce serait pas celle de bfc!". Menfin pas la vraie sienne... Mais une qui ressemble. Qui se termine pareil quoi! Sauf que j'étais pas sûre! Alors que gmx bmx ça aurait du me faire tilt tout de suite... Mais il a fallu que j'ouvre un nouvel email et que je tape M pour voir s'afficher tous mes M... Et il est encore 2ème. Juste derrière ma mère! Argh, quoi... Mais bref, je suis en train d'oublier son email... chose que j'aurais crue impossible il y a pas si longtemps. Sûrement pas complètement par contre mais bon, en progrès!

Et puis, quand même, le 4 mars, ça fera 3 mois que je suis en bfc-sevrage complet (à part ici où parfois j'en cause juste un peu trop peut-être). Va falloir que je m'achète quelque chose pour célébrer!

À lui, ça n'a pas l'air de faire un pli par contre, argh quoi...

 Par contre, il est encore bien présent à l'état de concept pratique à utiliser en certaines circonstances... même si parfois, ça me met dans un état mélancolique qui me fiche un peu le cafard tout de même!

Oubli (?)

J'ai oublié de préciser hier que je pense bien que les 2 prochaines années (si ça dure jusque là, of course) seront (presque) bfc-free!

Parce qu'en plus, aujourd'hui, ça fait 2 mois que je lui ai rien envoyé du tout! Trop fière d'ailleurs (parce que parfois la lutte interne fut rude!)...

J'ai flirté avec l'idée d'envoyer un email collectif pour la nouvelle année et de l'inclure par "accident"... Je me demandais s'il répondrait! J'ai renoncé, plus par "paresse" qu'autre chose, j'avoue... Du coup, j'ai rien envoyé à personne!

C'est bientôt le "Karnaval" là-bas. Or, le karnaval c'est hyper important pour bfc qui adore l'occase (pour boire comme un trou) (gros changement par rapport à d'habitude) (ah mais il y a une journée où les filles sont censés prendre l'initiative, je pense que c'est ça qui doit lui plaire surtout) (il m'avait raconté qu'une fois, il était allé draguer une fille (qui buvait comme un trou avec sa mère) (ils sont zarbis les germains) et que c'Est elle qui lui avait rappelé qu'il l'avait draguée exactement pareil l'année d'avant, ça m'avait bien fait rire! (surtout parce qu'il s'était pris un semi-rateau).

Et bien, envoyer mon ultime missive vers ce temps là, ça me parait judicieux!

--------------

Tiens p0l qui annonçait à tous qu'il serait sans doute absent des écrans pendant quelque temps (il règle des trucs en cour avec son ex si j'ai bien compris) et qui me demande, à ma grande surprise, ce que je fais ce week-end. Si j'ai bien compté, c'est un week-end sans enfants. Je me doutais que faire allusion à De* ferait son petit effet ;-)

Ça faisait (presque) longtemps!

Alors je sais plus pourquoi mais j'ai ressenti le besoin de relire les emails de bfc pour voir comment il m'avait proposé de venir chez lui.

Étrangement ça me conforte dans le truc que j'étais pas complètement à coté de la plaque de me faire des idées... Ça a l'air de rien, c'est rassurant même. Menfin tout juste... Pas que c'était de grandes effusions. Mais il me dit que si je dois aller à Paris pour mon entrevue et que je veux faire quelque chose il n'a rien de prévu pour le moment (dans la même foulée, il me dit que comme son show avec son groupe est reporté, peut-être qu'à force, je finirai par le voir s'il était encore reporté). Moi, j'étais ravie à l'époque (jamais je lui aurais demandé de moi même, bien que j'en mourrais d'envie) mais j'avais voulu rester cool et relax et j'avais demandé s'il avait des suggestions, histoire qu'il précise sa pensée. Et il me demande ensuite ce que je voulais faire, qu'il était sûr qu'on trouverait un truc et que moi qui me dis spontanée, je ne devrais pas avoir besoin d'un programme précis. En effet, je voulais juste qu'il me dise noir sur blanc : "oui j'ai envie que tu vienne chez moi". Pas plus compliqué. Il ne l'a pas fait, pas directement en tout, mais le sens général y était, il me semble.

Oui bon, c'est consternant que j'ai encore besoin de me rassurer de ce coté là, je sais.

Mais en fait, je lutte pour ne pas lui écrire... Et là, comme ça, j'essaie d'exorciser comme je peux. Même si c'est pas facile. Non parce que bon, je vais pas nier que je suis un peu déçue qu'il ne m'ait pas souhaité "bonne année"... Moi non plus, remarquez. Mais moi, au moins, j'y ai pensé. Lui, il a du se dire que là au moins il s'emmerdait pas pour le réveillon. Et moi donc! Même si j'avais bien aimé m'emmerder avec lui... Et si ça se trouve, maintenant il file le parfait bonheur avec sa gr0gnasse! Perspective qui, l'air de rien, me ferait royalement ch... (enfin sauf si elle fait l'étoile de mer et qu'elle s*ce pas ;-) ) (je suis mesquine un peu quand même) Oui hein, je suis pas tout à fait guérie... même si j'en ai jusque là du truc à sens unique. Que ce soit sentimentalement ou par email! C'est vraiment la seule chose qui me retienne d'envoyer un email depuis le début janvier. Ça et le sentiment de m'humilier encore un peu plus devant lui (et devant moi)...

Bref, ce ne sera pas pour ce soir. Mais je pense qu'il devient urgent de m'occuper des cartes que je trimballe (contre mon coeur) dans mon sac depuis presqu'un mois.

La vie est mal faite!

Que dire d'autre???

Surtout quand les gens qu'on aimerait voir nous bousculer un peu (dans nos certitudes, dans nos habitudes) restent eux-mêmes désespérement apathiques...

Ou quand ceux par qui on aimerait se faire malmener un peu (au sens propre ou figuré, ça dépend) restent désespérement mous et gentils (mais pas dans le bon sens de gentil!)...

Ou pire encore, quand ceux (ou mieux celui) (et pas celui qu'on pourrait penser) (pas celui là non plus) qu'on voudrait cajoleurs et enjoleurs restent sur leur quant à soi ou font la sourde oreille...

Vivement 2010 (histoire qu'on recommence tout ça?), moi je dis alors!